Men can avoid wrath of PMS by treading carefully
COMMENTARY
Lauren Cates

It’s time that an answer to a mystery that has been puzzling mankind since the beginning of time be revealed. It is the sole source of puzzlement and confusion that plagues males and females monthly, and is regarded as an enigma by many. It’s PMS.

I want to know why, monthly, every normal woman I know (myself included) tends to turn into a raging, sobbing, hormonal wreck for no real reason other than a hormone imbalance.

If tests are handed back, beware, any and all grades will be scrutinized and blown into a catastrophe by the PMSer. If a pair of pants can’t be fit into, or a sudden appearance of love handles is noted, exit the building please. You may think that you’re in the clear because neither of these events is likely to occur. However, you, my friend, are in the most precarious situation of all of the victims of PMSers: the made up excuse to get ridiculously furious for no reason. You might as well take a week off and go home just to avoid it.

More important than the pain and suffering those experiencing PMS feel is the pain and suffering that are incurred on their friends. A sudden overdose of hormones is a enough to drive any reasonably sane woman crazy at this time of the month, causing sudden fits of crying, screaming, insane cackling, or a general crankiness that prevails for a week’s time.

I think many people are confused by the mystery of PMS because of a lack of understanding. Understanding mainly that if you are to encounter a female who happens to be PMSing at that particular moment, the only way to succeed in interaction is to run. Especially if you are a male.

The fact is, women who are PMSing have higher levels of estrogen and other hormones running through their body. This causes us to hate any and all males within our immediate vicinity, so watch out. You may say that men are not at fault, but if you bring up this point to any PMSer, she will find a reason for you quickly enough.

Online there are many tips for handling PMS and all of them are worthless. Such tips as eating healthy and maintaining a positive attitude are worthless when all you want to do is shove pizza and chocolate in your face and vent to anyone within hearing range. So, instead, I think it is the people who are faced with a victim of PMS who should learn the tips.

The first and most important tip is to avoid the victim as much as possible, without her being aware that she is being avoided. Excuses like cats dying, fictional tests in fictional classes, friend’s birthdays, etc, all make good excuses.

Another important tip is to keep the victim of PMS away from anything and everything that could possibly lead to upset. Keep her away from alcohol as this will only lead to further irrationality and beer tears. Save your drama for next week in order to avoid such an episode.

The third and final rule (yes, there are only three) is that you are wrong. Yes, you are wrong in all situations and at all times. If the city is struck by a tornado that caused her to break a nail, apologize and beg for forgiveness because somehow it is your fault.

So, to all of us excitedly awaiting that lovely time of month in which emotional levels are at their highest, sit back and relax. The finality of the statement “it’s that time of the month” is enough to put any outcry at objectionable behavior to rest.

Opinion editor Lauren Cates is a junior advertising/public relations major from Houston.