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Advertising
pitches go too far, make unrealistic claims I’m really enjoying this new Dr. Pepper ad featuring Garth Brooks. Have you seen this one yet? It’s fantastic. He’s sitting on a front porch with some good ol’ boys, strumming away on his guitar, singing songs of social importance. Yup, he’s hawking a soft drink — the most important thing any artist can achieve these days, up to and including winning a Nobel prize. Look at all the other ground-breaking musicians who have launched soda ad campaigns: John Lennon for Sprite and Kurt Cobain for Pepsi, among others. We seem to have reached an age where, be it void of integrity or not, there is always room in the wallet for a little more green. Of course, this isn’t the case with Mr. Brooks, who as we all know has had very little success with any of his musical efforts. One can hardly blame him for chasing down a little more cash. Besides that, I know he’s just doing it because he enjoys a great, refreshing beverage like Dr. Pepper. Who doesn’t? But enough with the sarcastic crap. Garth Brooks sucks. His music sucks. He appears to me to be a rich, soulless celebrity who would sell his grandmother’s heart for five bucks if he hadn’t already auctioned it off on ebay. I might be misquoting the lyrics slightly, but the message was more or less, “Be an individual and drink what we tell you to: Dr. Pepper!” Now, for those of you who have given this some thought, doesn’t there seem to be a slight contradiction in that ad pitch? By behaving like everyone in the commercial, I will become special and unique. My choice in soda will be similar to theirs, and thus, I will win their approval. Screw the taste, man; I just want people to like me. I want them to like me because I am different just like they are. Why do we repeatedly see ads like this? Are advertising agencies deliberately trying to mess with our heads? Why can’t they just be honest about the whole thing? Well, mi amigos, the time has come. That’s right, I received a call from Dr. Pepper’s advertising agency earlier today, and I am about to become their newest spokesman. Since I’m not famous in any way, shape or form, it won’t even be considered selling out! Rock! So, the agency
let me come up with this new idea all by myself. Now, my idea is
this: “Hello, America. Recently you may have seen a variety of soda commercials claiming that if you participated in the consumption of a certain carbonated beverage, you would become sexually attractive, be liked by those around you and/or be able to jump off of mountains strapped to a snowboard in your jockey shorts, partying with Mel Torme (also in his jockeys). These were lies. Yes, all lies. We enjoyed lying to you and plan to do it again in the near future. But right now, ladies and gentlemen, right now I need to be honest with you. I need to reiterate that if you drink our beverage, or any other beverage for that matter, none of what was promised will ever come true. “Unless of course you drink the New Dr. Pepper, which will make you more powerful than God. I’m not kidding you, man! You will be totally invincible in every way possible. Drink some. Now try shooting yourself. Didn’t hurt, did it? I didn’t think so. Now try driving a car into someone on the street. See, they died, but you didn’t, because you are stronger than God. Feel free to smite those who displease you, because you will soon rule the world! “As for attracting women, what do they love more than power? Why, nothing! And with all the power in the world, you will have chicks crawling all over you, simply because you scarfed down an entire liter of carbonated goodness. What better reason could we possibly give you to drink our product? “What’s
that, you ask? Does it taste good? Why do you care? You’ll
be the mightiest being in the history of mankind. So buy Dr. Pepper,
and be better than God.” Tyler
Brezler is a columnist for The Daily Free Press at Boston University.
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