me Mary-Kate and Ashley or give me death
By John Weyand
God, the Olsen twins are hot.
more, those girls are worth over $70 million but Id
defile them for free.
youre not familiar with the Olsen twins, you should be ashamed
of yourself. Im talking about the adorable (but so naughty!)
actresses who played baby Michelle on the hit ABC sitcom Full
House. D.J. Tanner had a hips surplus, and young Stephanie
turned out modest in bosom.
Michelle. Sweet Michelle.
I could write approximately 10,000 words on Mary Kate and Ashley
(and another thing: I dont know why Mary Kates name
always comes first because Ashley is so much hotter!), Im
not going to. After all, a senior column is a column about reflection.
And when I say reflection, I mean horse@#!&.
of seniors try to write something meaningful about the way college
was good or bad, went by so fast, getting ready for real
world, etc. and it sucks. My column separates from that idea
by addressing real issues that affect real people.
instance, to all the women on this campus, answer me this: Save
the Last Dance and Center Stage are those
sweet movies or what? I know that not many guys enjoy films about
modern dance, but thats why STLD also stars ultra-hard
Sean Patrick Thomas. He is from the street, fellas. You heard?
are countless things that deserve comment both in the Dallas-Fort
Worth metroplex and more specifically at TCU, but as a student graduating
from a global university, I need to tackle topics that affect an
assortment of cultures and inspire a universal audience. Topics
that will mean something. Topics that this worlds children
of the subjects that has been on my mind for a while now is one
that I consider gravely important. Of course, I am speaking about
the removal and cancellation of the light-brown M&M. Some of
you may be saying, Excuse me? John, I know that you cannot
be telling me in truth that the light brown M&M is no longer
in packages. It
it has to be. It has to be!
others of you may be saying, Why are we talking about the
light brown M&M and girl movies when we could still be talking
about white-hot Mary Kate and Ashley? To some of you, I say
Im sorry, its true about the light brown M&M. To
others, I say excellent point.
what issue is there to discuss but the fate of the Olsen twins?
Will they, as we all hope, be back on prime-time network television
soon? Will they perhaps join the illustrious ranks of the Playboy
empire upon (now only two short years away) turning 18? Or will
they, as I believe fortune has destined, both be wed to me?
there is a singular global concern that all of Earths citizens
need to focus on at this moment in time, it is that these three
possibilities materialize. So I plead with you now, as a fellow
student, as an upcoming graduate and, above all, as a human being:
Please. Keep me and the twins in your prayers.
Weyand is a graduating senior broadcast journalism major from Littleton,
Colo. He can be contacted at (firstname.lastname@example.org).