Give me Mary-Kate and Ashley or give me death
By John Weyand
Skiff Staff

My God, the Olsen twins are hot.

What’s more, those girls are worth over $70 million — but I’d defile them for free.

Right? Anyone?

If you’re not familiar with the Olsen twins, you should be ashamed of yourself. I’m talking about the adorable (but so naughty!) actresses who played baby Michelle on the hit ABC sitcom “Full House”. D.J. Tanner had a hips surplus, and young Stephanie turned out modest in bosom.

But Michelle. Sweet Michelle.

Though I could write approximately 10,000 words on Mary Kate and Ashley (and another thing: I don’t know why Mary Kate’s name always comes first because Ashley is so much hotter!), I’m not going to. After all, a senior column is a column about reflection. And when I say reflection, I mean horse@#!&.

A lot of seniors try to write something meaningful about the way college was — good or bad, went by so fast, getting ready for real world, etc. — and it sucks. My column separates from that idea by addressing real issues that affect real people.

For instance, to all the women on this campus, answer me this: “Save the Last Dance” and “Center Stage” — are those sweet movies or what? I know that not many guys enjoy films about modern dance, but that’s why “STLD” also stars ultra-hard Sean Patrick Thomas. He is from the street, fellas. You heard?

There are countless things that deserve comment both in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex and more specifically at TCU, but as a student graduating from a global university, I need to tackle topics that affect an assortment of cultures and inspire a universal audience. Topics that will mean something. Topics that this world’s children will face.

One of the subjects that has been on my mind for a while now is one that I consider gravely important. Of course, I am speaking about the removal and cancellation of the light-brown M&M. Some of you may be saying, “Excuse me? John, I know that you cannot be telling me in truth that the light brown M&M is no longer in packages. It … it has to be. It has to be!”

Still others of you may be saying, “Why are we talking about the light brown M&M and girl movies when we could still be talking about white-hot Mary Kate and Ashley?” To some of you, I say I’m sorry, it’s true about the light brown M&M. To others, I say excellent point.

Truthfully, what issue is there to discuss but the fate of the Olsen twins? Will they, as we all hope, be back on prime-time network television soon? Will they perhaps join the illustrious ranks of the Playboy empire upon (now only two short years away) turning 18? Or will they, as I believe fortune has destined, both be wed to me?

If there is a singular global concern that all of Earth’s citizens need to focus on at this moment in time, it is that these three possibilities materialize. So I plead with you now, as a fellow student, as an upcoming graduate and, above all, as a human being: Please. Keep me and the twins in your prayers.

John Weyand is a graduating senior broadcast journalism major from Littleton, Colo. He can be contacted at (j.h.weyand@student.tcu.edu).

credits

TCU Daily Skiff © 2002