Going commando not worth freedom

By Brandon Ortiz
Skiff Staff

The life of a columnist is not easy. Even if it doesn’t seem that way.

Fort Worth Star-Telegram columnist Molly Ivins once wrote: “As any newspaper reporter can tell you, all newspaper columnists work maybe two hours a day and spend the rest of their time drinking martinis and misbehaving.”

True.

But every now and then, we go through a lot to write a column. Well, at least I did for the first (and last) time last week.

Let me explain.

A friend told me Friday will be National Going Commando Day. I had no clue what going commando meant, so it was explained to me that to go commando meant to wear no underpants.

My friend thought it was worth a column. Tired of writing about politics and cigarettes, I agreed.

But I couldn’t think of a way to write it. And that is when it hit me: How could I possibly write about going commando if I have never done it in the first place?

So I decided to do something I has never done before: go commando.

Being the type of person who takes things ridiculously too far, I decided to go commando for a week. I did it all for the column.

During the course of the seven days, I sat down and wrote a journal entry. Here is a complete unabridged version of the “Commando Days.”

Commando Log 02272001

First day without underpants. Complete and total liberation. This is the freedom our forefathers really fought for. Forget that sappy rights crap ... The mission is already having problems though ... I learned a valuable lesson today. Baggy pants + no underpants = disaster. Walking around campus, my special artillery almost got exposed. Had to go back to camp and obtain a secret hi-tech piece of equipment: a belt ... Roommate getting suspicious of whole going commando thing. He could be a spy. Nothing can get in way of mission ... Note to self: try not to wear wind pants later in week. Enemy in newsroom could come up and pull them down.

Commando Log 02282001

Second day without underpants. Not as good as first. Learned valuable lesson No. 2, going commando in cold weather sucks ... Developing rash, itches badly. Roommate says Icy Hot should fix that. He had a funny smirk on his face when he said it. Wonder what he thought was funny ... Valuable lesson No. 3: be careful when sitting down while going commando.

Note to self: remember to buy Icy Hot at store.

Commando Log 03012001

Third day without underpants. Ready to abort mission ... Bought Icy Hot at store. Will put it on later ... Put it on. Burns badly. Why won’t the burning go away? Please, somebody, make it go away ... With such little laundry to do, I have trouble finding stuff to do in spare time. Instead of studying, I have resorted to watching daytime soaps ... Valuable lesson No. 4: Icy Hot is Satan in ointment form ...

Commando Log 03022001

Day four... Rash finally went away. Burning did, too. Plan to show my appreciation to God by building five churches when mission is over ... Monica cheated on Tony today on “Nine Lives to Live.” That slut ...

Commando Log 03032001

Day five. Somebody please shoot me. Not used to so much movement. Certain things are not supposed to bounce up and down ... Joey and Maria are getting married on “The Old and the Restful.” I was wrong on Samantha and Joseph’s marriage, but I have a feeling this one is going to work out ... Roommate came back and apologized for Icy Hot incident. Didn’t trust him at first, but he gave a convincing song and dance number. We’re buddies again. Started watching soaps together ...

Commando Log 03042001

Day six. Don’t quite remember what happened last night. Went to party in Fort Worth, but woke up in bathroom of fat waitress’s house in Dallas. Found $20 in back pocket though. Wonder how that got there ...

Commando Log 03052001

Last day. In the words of Ren and Stimpy, “Happy, happy. Joy, joy.” ... Most valuable lesson learned: Never wear wind pants while going commando. Wore wind pants to gym, and buddy thought it would be funny to pull them down. Everyone laughed at me. Spent most of day crying ... Joey and Maria didn’t make it after all.

Brandon Ortiz is a freshman news-editorial journalism major from Fort Worth. He can be reached at (b.p.ortiz@student.tcu.edu).

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